UTmathMan

Wanted to do a quick new post w/ my new laptop!!!
i also got:
Entourage season 3
Simpson's Movie
new Razor
under armour
and a trip to Bakersfield!

what'd everyone else get??

so why is it that every step forward i take is shortly followed by 5 backwards?

i work so fucking hard to get something that i really want
something that i put hours, days, weeks, months, years into
all just to alienate myself from everyone
i cant just get one fucking break?!?

you think i should quit
this is exactly why i can't
i'd drive myself insane
coming close to doing it already

i'm so excited, and then so afraid about my parents coming in
1. i get to see them for the first time in months
2. i have to tell them about my grades
3. i have to talk to them about what i'm going to be doing w/ the rest of my life
no bueno

it's prob going to happen right after i graduate
assuming that happens anyways

i miss so many people
i've mistreated so many friends
i can't believe some of the shit that i've pulled
i'm sorry

i guess to the one or two of you that still read this...
thanks
i know that what i write here may not make much sense
but when i need to come here b/c i can't turn anywhere else really...
it helps.

i have this urge to do just punch something/someone as hard as i can
like im anxious but when i clench my fists...
it's like i can center myself
but only on the thought of putting so much energy into something
that it just take all this shit from me
and transfers it to anything else.
the only problem is i know i'd break something
and regret it the second after it happened
b/c then i'd be in more shit than i was before.
it didn't fix anything, and now i've broken something else that i now need to fix...

i went away for a lil while...
cleared my head.
well tried to anyways.
idk what i'm going to do, i just hope if/when i decide...
you're there by my side.

idk why i haven't been here in a while...
i guess i do, but actually saying it is kind of depressing.

i'm so afraid of what's to come
i can't get past the fact that in like 6 months i'm going to be in the real world
and i have absolutely no plan at all.
i was supposed to have at least a little something planned to talk about w/ my parents
but no that hasn't occurred.
i've done one monster.com search
results = nada
and that's about it.
i mean i've talked w/ friends about how they all have tons of job offers...
it makes me feel so useless and makes it even harder to start.
i know i'm going to end up in some job i'm going to end up hating soon after being hired
that's how most jobs i've had.
but i just get through them b/c i know they're not permanent.
this time it is permanent
this is what i'm supposed to be doing w/ the rest of my life...

well if you didn't know already
i made Tuff!
basically this what i've been trying to do for the past 2.5 years of my life.
i'm making big contributions to the team
but it feels so different than it used to.

there's one thing that i can see happening in my future
god forbid it actually does
but it'd be interesting to see what people would do.

i should def either be studying for part of my span final tm, or doing the hw that i have due tm...
but it's really become of lil concern to me.
idk why
i'm so sick of school, but there's only one more semester
assuming i pass all my classes this spring (seeing that i at least failed one of my classes this semester)
that feeling of failure has just gotten so deep in me
it's hard to get motivated anymore.
it just feels like i'm... disappointing my parents all the time
and that's prob the worst of it all.

well i guess it's that time...
to finally close out this rant.
at least i can take solace in the fact that this post isn't just about how my love life sucks
i've gotten over that
it's not much of a problem anymore...
hope all one or two of you that read this are doing well
i'll be back in h-town round the 18th so let me know what's up

so i've got 3 finals
spanish, algebraic structures, and history of math and science
the hist is def the hardest one
while spanish and structures shouldn't be too bad now
esp after the review for structures today

i once read that...
to understand what your heart wants
just follow your mind when it wanders.
unfortunately, that's a problem
she's not available

i can't sleep
and i think i might know why.
if i'm right, this could be a bad thing
lets all home i'm wrong
b/c i don't want to rely on anythin to fall asleep.

i started physical therapy
now i'm gettin paranoid about my shoulder
esp w/ how the trainer talked about it
sayin that my ligaments are naturally more flexible than most
thus i'm more susceptible to injuries
idk what to think
i just want to play ultimate
and get better for next year
but... idk i'm torn


i'm going to try to get some sleep now
since nobody is online
and i can't say what i want to...
i just can't find the words

i miss you

Texas-B

it's a game...
that's all i need to remember,
it's a game.
come on out a watch
IM fields all saturday.

feeling pretty sick today
hope to be better soon.

i want to write something
but i can't figure out the words.
so i'll take this time to see how you are doing
and what everyone is doing for the summer
leave comments please.

"It's not a silly little moment,
It's not the storm before the calm.
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love that we've been working on.

Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms.
Nobody's gonna come and save you,
We pulled too many false alarms.

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room."

what happens when i don't have anything to do...

i changed my computer's background
it has a postcard from Postsecret
the card is a black and white pic with part of girl's face
a tree in the background,
but the main focus is drawn to her beanie (photo-shopped green i'm pretty sure)
and upon the beanie is written "My Dreams seem so far away"
that's exactly how i feel about the rest of my life
i have no idea where i want to go
or what i want to do.
the fact that my parents are moving to moscow...
only amplifies the effects.
i feel so alone.

talking about feeling alone...
i got a really weird gift last friday.
i came home to a large easter basket
full of pool toys and candy sitting atop my bed.
along w/ the basket was this note:
"Andrew-
    Have a great weekend. We want you to know that we are people that care about you.  We trust that our secret is safe.

                The Sunrise Society

I know this sounds creepy...but we are a secret society..."

b/c of the tournament this weekend i had almost forgotten about it
until my mom asked about it when she came out to watch me on sunday.
i'm so confused as to who would do this for me...
please any information/clues would be wonderful.

i'm glad we're talking again
i really missed you
missed your voice
your smile
your eyes...
i'm glad we're friends again.

it's Tuesday and i'm already hoping for friday
partly b/c it's going to be a good weekend
at least it should be.
by friday i'll have nothin academic really to do
plus it's 4/20
then saturday nite there should def be a party
and sunday afternoon will be seeing Briana's play
followed by dinner.

time to maybe think about lookin over some of the stuff for spanish
i have tests tm and thurs in it
and i have yet  to study...
but w/e
i'm out
peace

happiness, i feel it right now
listening to Explosions in the Sky just under the volume of the rain on my roof
sitting here doing nothing
nothing on my mind, but each word that i'm typing now
this is wonderous!

i'm going to leave "this" as it is now
but i need something more from someone
that someone isn't you, unfortunately.

so i've realized, i can't start a conversation
like it's really too awkward for me
b/c i always feel like i'm bothering/wasting their time w/ my words
but yeah, so this stemmed from a couple days ago
when i happened to smile a very cute girl on West Mall
she smiled back as our eyes locked and our heads turn as i pass by.
i wanted to go back and introduce myself
but on my way back, i couldn't... so i convinced myself she looked too busy and just headed to class
i typically don't have regrets, but this could def fall under that category

i have pics from my last tournament,
they're up on facebook
check them out
and i'll add a few to my myspace soon as well

well i need to pack
and eat, so i'll go do that now

PS the happiness is still going!

PPS ok, he's not a crappy bf, he's just not-deserving

You're such a great person, that you make me feel lucky to be alive.
You're one of those people that gives death power over me b/c he can take me from you
and I'll never be able to see your smile or hear your laughter again.

my cousin said this to me, she's basically the older sister i never had, i miss and love her so much....
and when i read this, i shiver, realizing that she's a person that gives death power over me aswell.
i took a step back today, and tried to look at what i'm doing
this morning i found out that a gentleman (name Brandon i'm pretty sure, i didn't know him well at all)
well, he died this last sunday...
while i was out enjoying life, playing ultimate, he was leaving...
idk how to feel.

im really scared, its definite that my parents are moving to moscow
and there's a possibility that my brother might be moving to Seattle...
i'd be alone, all alone in this world
nothing has ever scared me this much.
i can't help but think i'm just going to fail at life
idk what i want to do w/ my life
idk what i'm going to do w/ my degree
hell i don't even know what i'm doing in a year after i graduate.

i've been listening to a lot of Fray and Regina lately
not as bad as Dashboard and/or Coheed
but def making me think
of her mostly...
i less than three her.

basically this day started off in the most awkward way
i'm already in a contemplative mood
then these things happen that just put more things on my mind.

pride
i wish you both were proud of me
but i can't imagine how you could be...
this just adds gasoline to the fire in my mind.

so what are you thinking about??
and don't say nothing
call me let me know ;)

once again she stood me up
can't say i'm surprised
so i'm not going to make a big deal about it
it's done, whatevskies

how do you do it??
make me think about you all the time
and just put a smile on my face.
i decided though i need to teach you about sports
college basketball is first
we'll start soon, trust me.

so i went to the rodeo today w/ my fam (ma, dad, and gma)
i had my first legal beer w/ my dad
it was actually nice, wasn't boring like i thought it would be
it was a nice way to spend this sunday
even if i missed the Big XII championship game (UT v KU)

i'm nervous about this weekend...
i shouldn't be, but i've got people coming out to watch/take pics of me
i need to show them that even if i'm not succeeding the way i should in school
i'm succeeding in the other thing that takes me away from school.
that and i need to prove to myself i can make myself better
by changing for the team.

so far spring break has been pretty mediocre
but i think that's b/c i haven't really tried to get out and do things
i think i'll go out tm w/ people
maybe go see 300...
idk, we'll see
i just want to have a good break
i may get a massage unless someone here wants to do it for close to free??
(i.e. some sort of non-money payment would be involved: food, beer, massage for you??)

i'm here for 3 more days
then back to Austin...
to get ready for the weekend
and spend time w/ you! ;)

i'm going to go back to watchin nothin on tv
and hoping she'll call
til then...

y does the idea of late nites w/ cold coffee and my computer sound so tempting...??
it shouldn't, but it does
and here i am...
screwing up my cycle for this week.
which is another big one,
b/c i'll be going to Springfield, Missouri for yet another tournament.
this one is kind of big, at least for me, for a couple reasons.
1. is the competition, B-teams from places like: Wisonsin, Kansas, Oklahoma, Wash U, etc.
then A-teams, like Kansas, Iowa, Arkansas, and their likes.
2. is for me to finally settle out my role on the team i'll be playin w/ for the rest of the year.

second chance??
more than likely not
but i'm glad to be seeing you again
lets keep it up.

so my bday weekend was great to say the least.
thursday was a good day all around, started drinking round 3pm
bought my first 6 pack of beer
went to an art opening where Olivia works
came home, continued the drinking
then went and played urban around 1030
came home w/ 3 friends, and thus proceeded to get plastered w/ them and my roommates
going til 5am
skipped classes friday
friday nite was dinner w/ the roommates
then back home for a movie and some drinks
saturday was a bum around day
then party for Judson that nite
great party, talking w/ old friends
making some new ones
rediscovered my passion for drunken dancing
walked home, a lil drunk
then today was a blast
went up to CS to cheer on Lizzy (my roommate Clancy's gf)
she plays lacrosse here at UT
my roommates and i painted our chests spelling TEXAS
so basically was out in this beautiful weather shirtless from 11-4
having a great time w/ the roommates and meeting girls on the team
came home to cook fajitas
watch anchorman, and eat Tiff's Treats
it was a blast, thanks to everyone that was apart of it.

i'm so tired and confused
i wish there was a pause button on life
so i could figure out what i actually want to do
i'm 21 now, and i honestly don't have the faintest clue what's going on w/ my life.
and i would consider that a problem.
i could've been done w/ school this spring if i wanted to
and out to the real world teaching...
that's a scary thought
instead, i've dropped the teachin part of my degree and am tryin to get into grad school
well... i guess i am...??

you and i should hang out.
outside of class...
you seem like someone that can put a smile on my face
a genuine smile
that's rare now-a-days
and thank you for that.

well enough of this avoiding of sleep
i need to get up in 5ish hours
not going to be fun.
sorry for jumpin around so much
its how my head has been for a while
love to you

so i just got back from Baton Rouge this weekend
it was exhausting b/c we started w/ 9 players
then dropped to 8 b/c one got injured during our 2nd game.
so by the end of the day my legs were cramping bad
the tournament was more for gettin rookies experience
rather than the win-loss record (which was 4-3 for me and my team).

so i've discovered i've lost any sense at all of flirting
not necessarily of how to flirt (b/c i was never good at that in the first place)
but tryin to figure out if a girl is flirting w/ me.
she makes fun of me, smiles at me, steals my stuff...
it's almost like child-like flirting,
but i find out (through facebook) that she has a bf...??
idk, it's weird.


i'll look for that Dishwalla
any other music suggestions
i just got into Regina Spektor,
if you haven't heard her you should def look into her
fantastic especially if you like Imogen Heap!!

i need to figure you out...
comin in and out of my life
as you please
but i don't want you there... *sigh*
like i'm wasting my breathe b/c it won't matter
neither of us will really let go.

well i need to go
maybe another update soon
idk, it depends on the time i have
til then

y is it that i only come here late at nite
looking for answers that i know won't be here...??
oh well, here i go

so i'm sick of school
once again, yeah, like its a surprise
the thing is, it's just one class
and not the class i was expecting it to be either
topology.... it's b/c i'm easily the least intelligent person in there
i'd be willing to bet money that most (if not all) of the people are way beyond what i need/have done in terms of necessary classes
i just get this feeling of inferiority everytime i'm in there

enough of that
ultimate is going really well this season
we went to florida and ended up 5-1
beating 2 of the top B-teams in the nation (georgia and florida, 13-10 and 13-1 respectively)
our only loss was in our last game again Tennessee-A, a team that frequents college nationals
a loss i was fine losing, 13-10 to a team who couldn't believe that we were a B-team
this weekend i'm going to Baton Rouge
it should be good, and from then on i've got a tourny every other weekend
baton rouge
then springfield, Mo
followed by one here in Austin
then to College Station (prob twice)
finally one more back here in Austin
a nice packed spring
lets hope i'm alive by the end of it

i don't think i'm going to talk about girls now
too much going on there to try to sort it out
lets just say, i like her, but i don't think she likes me back
in multiple instances...

so, i just started to drink/smoke again
i gave it up for lil over a month.
to be honest, i could go w/out the drinking
but i've grown too fond of smoking to quit that
i wouldn't call it an addiction
b/c i was able to quit and could again
i just can't think of a reason for why i should...

i know this has prob been a fairly boring post
and i apologize
i just realized that i've come here too many times for answers
that i know i will never come
so... maybe i should do away w/ this...
prob not, but i guess the posts will just change

so this was definitely a different holiday than i'm used to
unfortunately (if you haven't heard) my grandfather passed away on the 28th
the weird thing about it was that he had a stroke and after that it was just kind of expected
i've never had to deal w/ that kind of death in my family...
it was weird b/c by the time he actually passed
i had already come to terms with it.
it kind of hard to imagine that i used to have 3 sets of grandparents...
now i have 2.5 grandmothers (half b/c one doesn't associate w/ my family anymore).

this year did start of well though.
i became reacquainted with someone from high school
i only got to spend a few days w/ her
but they were good times
and i'm hoping that more will come
she... has something...
somethin about her that just makes me think that we can be real good friends

but it is the new year though...
so here a couple resolutions
1. cut way back on drinking and smoking
2. eat better
3. work harder in school and ultimate
4. figure out what i'm going to do in terms of GRE/grad school
5. communicate better
6. love more

i'm sorry i didn't write you like i said i was...
there's no real excuse for why i didn't.
i wanted to, trust me i did
i just couldn't think of anythin proper to write
i was in a weird place
again, my deepest apologies
i'll get you somethin soon

so i'm back in austin
and i'm tryin to not let the same problems bug me.
i need to move on
not only from you, but from what you are...
please let me do this.

i keep looking up at that stupid paper plate on my wall
it always makes me smile
3 words:
MVP, Andrew, Chapman
that's it
but nobody knows how much that means to me...
like the smile is genuine
i just want to earn that again
i want so many things when it comes to ultimate
it has become my release from everything
and at the same time, its become everything for me.
MVP, winning, respect, that's what i want.

it's interesting how long this is taking me to write this
all this and so much more is running through my head
but it takes me a long time to settle it out
but Imogen Heap does help
music helps a lot of things for me
like falling asleep, which i should do now

love, hugs, and kisses to you

Stole this from Monica, thought it was a great thing, i hope all of you read this and do it as well.

Holidays!

Step One
- Make a post (public, friendslocked, filtered... whatever you're comfortable with) to your LJ. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fun ("I'd love a Snape/Hermione icon that's just for me") to medium ("I wish for _____ on DVD") to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV.") The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.
- If you wish for real possible things, make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you.
- Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ, or link to this post (it'll be public) so that the holiday joy will spread.

Step Two
- Surf around your friendslist (or friendsfriends, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part:
- If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it.
You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call.
There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

( My wishes )

so at first i thought i'd enjoy coming home
and for the most part i have
but then my dad...
yeah, we came very close to a fist fight yday.
he's an ass, and there are times where i just can't stand him
y can't i just ignore him...??

she's blown me off for the last time
fuck her
i'm out
peace

i shouldn't even really be responding to you
but first you shouldn't be so contradictory (sp??)
you say how i don't understand you feeling that way
but you then right after that, you don't even feel that way...??
anyways, i'm fine w/ not being in your life anymore
we ended in a way that we see in different fashions,
and we're not going to change our minds
it's done.

can anyone tell me what to do
my mind won't stop racing
and it keeps harping on things that are actually important
not like just blazing through stupid inconsequential shit
it bounces from subject to subject,
and i can't keep up w/ it.
nothing is making sense
and i have no clue what to do
then only time my mind ever really slows down now-a-days
is when i smoke...
i know that's bad

tm i go back
and i'm counting down the hours
i should be back in Austin before 1
and i'll be happy to get back
too much drama here at home w/ the fam
i really need a hug...

"Dig me up from under what is covering
a better part of me.
Sing this song, remind me that
we will always have eachother
when everything is gone"

i haven't heard from you in a while
we should go get that coffee we talked about...
maybe...??

dear life
thanks for the ups
fuck you for the downs
why can't you just choose one or the other??
hugs and kisses
love chapman

ive come to the realization that not only is my life mediocre
but the way i fail at life is also mediocre
i'm not happy, but i'm not depressed
my life isn't good, but it's not bad either...
just fucking blah, and full of disappointments.

i think i just asked her on a date??
i'm nervous...
i really don't know how she'll fit in
or if she'll even like it...??
hm... i guess only one way to find out
i'll let you know how things go after saturday nite.

oh i feel so sorry for you
you do so much
and receive so little
you deserve so much better
i hope you know that
i miss you
you were always so good for me
made me smile, laugh, feel good about myself...
i hope i did the same for you.
<333 i'm here if you need me

well i should prob get to the massive amounts of hw that i have.
i keep tellin myself that it's only a week more,
but that isn't really helping...
being w/ you would.
i can't wait to see you!
hugs and kisses to all
peace

i need someone to talk to again..
i think i'm going to the SSB again.
it helped kind of last time,
at least i thought it did...??

i know it's not my fault
but when i say i'm sorry it's b/c i feel sympathy
i really hope that things work out
you don't deserve what is gong on

she's an amazing breath of fresh air in my life
idk what she will become in my life
but w/e it is i'm sure she'll be a very good thing.

so the list of disappointments of this semester keeps growing:
1. cut from Tuff
2. school not going as hoped
3. not elected capt of Graze
4. those who were elected as capt
5. tests in every class but spanish
6. most females in my life

lets hope that i don't have to add you as part of #6...
Monster's Inc. you took me over w/ your eyes.
i keep asking b/c i want to make sure,
if you weren't ok i'd have to do somethin about it.
when do i get to see you next??

i smoke too much...
i sleep too little...
i drink too much...
i love too much...??